I want to be happy again. And that's what Eugene wished too.
I was lamenting. Scolding GOD, in the toilet and under my blankets. ('Cause these are the only 2 places where people can't see me and say that I am crazy again.)
I know I am demanding. But have anyone thought of how I felt before they keep insisting that I put myself in their shoes? Eugene said I am selfish. So I proudly declare I am one. But God still loves me. But if GOD loves me so much, he will not want me and will change me to be not selfish. But how come these people don't get it that for things to change, they need time.
Eugene said I'm just giving myself excuses, whatever~ Yes.. they are my closest kin and they will want me to be a better person. But do I not want myself to also be a better person? This is so straining. Why can't they just stop forcing me to be this perfect person whom they want me to be?
I felt so confined to this place on weekdays when I was free to go anywhere I want and like last time. But now, I can't so I obliged. But given any maids or anyone. They need off days too. And that include me. I said I will be going to church this Sunday. And 2nd sis says:" So you going out the whole day again?" in a not so nice tone. I wonder why I was needed at home all day.
Spending time with mum is good. But quality is better than quantity you know? So what if I'm at home whole day. She'd still be sleeping and me? Online if not do what?
I have my life too. I have my friends. I was not allowed to go out late too often last time, given that I was already in my mid 20s. And now? Because of my mum, I had to sacrifice my relationship too? And indeed I will not get married and no one wants me.
2nd sis sent me an sms- "I'm not nagging, but to remind you to spend more time with mum, see to her needs when we're not around, sleep early and gets up when she's up. You should look after her and not the other way around. Time to grow up and be independent. When she's not around and you look back you can proudly say you've looked after her well in her final days. It'll be a good feeling and you won't regret! Just like how we've looked after Steve's dad."
I know the whole context of this msg. But question is... have I not spent more time with mum? How much more is more? I have my life, she has her family life, and 1st sis have her life too. So I have to put myself in their shoe.
Sleep early and gets up when my mum gets up and see to her need. I really have no idea why my mum gets up so early for what. She has been a morning person. After my flight, I just need my sleep, my rest. waking up at 9am is already considered early for me. What more they want?
Have I not see to her need? For now she still can bathe herself and she is ever so stubborn that she insist she don't need help from any of us. So..fine. No point nagging and shouting. If she's like that, I'd just leave her alone. It's not I'm not concerning. But why can't they understand? She's coughing, I ask her, shall I take some cough syrup for you? She said...don wan don wan! Fine. I did my part.
I felt like vomiting after staring at the screen for like 2hrs.. i think i feel sick.
But shall finish this.
Grow up? I was not given a chance. Have I not? Physically I have. And I am grown up just that they just kept seeing the little kid in me.
Why do I have to proudly declare I have taken care of my mum? Who do I have to declare it to? Who do I have to show? Isn't it our duty to take care of her? Have I not done so? So who do we need and have to tell or show we have taken care of her in her final days. As long she knew I knew and God knows. It's good enough for now.
To her needs... she's just ever so naggy and insisting I do things their way and at their timing. Yes! She's a cancer patient. But I know what I am doing and I like to do it in my own timing. Can all these people get off my backs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's all taken care of. If I don't get the chance to try and learn, how the hell I am able to grow up???
I'm really feeling sick staring at this tiny screen. Shall continue again when I take my rest~
:) Self-encouragement..... It's ok Yuki... Jesus is always around. See no fogging and no cockroaches today~ :)
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