I feel like killing someone right now. But as a child of Christ, I have to stop this thinking, and it's hard. What is his problem? Keeps making me so angry and opposing me. I really don wanna stay home at all. Keep feeding my dog bread, and now strawberry jam bread. I jus cursed my dog, I hold her head and shout at her to die, either she die first if not it's me. But if I really do, I'd hurt my mum's feelings, and if my Ginger is to go 1st, I will not want to live anymore too.
I used to have the negative thoughts of ending my life. But thinking back now, it's jus too plain stupid to end my life like that. I will hurt my mum and my frens who once loved me so much.Why must I end my life for an old man who always makes my blood boils? And when he sees that when he makes me angry, he will feel happy. Why can't I jus don care about him? Why can't I jus ignore him? Why can't I jus look upon God? So many 'whys'.... No one can help me. No one can help except God. No one can help in anyone's family affairs. Everyone has problem with their family, not jus me. Now then I realise. It jus seems that you cannot find any hapy families now. Jus seems that they may look happy on the outside, but there's always a dark side in them. Either... the families' parents are divorced, drinking and violence problem with the old man, and stressed out mum. What has this world come to? It's really not like last time, whereby everyone is just pure and innocent. Really I regret growing up so fast. I jus wanna stay as I am in my age now. Don wanna grow up with so much stress. But now I tell myself, these are jus challenges from God and I'm fighting them just fine. It's really funny, I keep having this feeling that I'm Soooooo happy going to work. Away from the old man, away from the shoutings and away from even seeing him. No one can help, yes I understand, I can only look upon God to give me guidance. I can only find peace then.
I have discussed with my mum before how I hate our family,and she explained it's even worse for others. And people try looking around, can you find any family around you that seems so happy without stress? No I don think so. Maybe there is, but only on the outside. For mine, it's only the noisy old man,who is so old and even his son is not visiting him,and he blames my mum for telling tales to his son to not come visit him. But come on, old man, face the fact!!! It's YOU..you made this all happen. the old man jus won't face the fact. I look down on him.! If he dares once again turn his anger into violence? I'm sorry Lord, I'd not let him off. I cannot forgive. No one in the right mind can. I longed to have my own life, but can I handle it? I will miss my mum of cos, her smell..(laundry), her food, and lots more. When will I be free?
