Lord...why this kinda feeling again Lord?
Camp is coming in about 12 days, that's 1 week plus more. Why am I still in this roller coaster mood? One minute, I can be so excited about You and camp, next minute, I ask myself, what's my purpose in the team. Why am I always running away from something when I feel I cannot make it. Can I stop running away from it. Hm.. (thank you for telling me, you will be in it with me.)
So what's with this feeling? Friendship. What are friends? Why people measure friendship and being in a community by the number of years? Oh well, I do too... telling people I've been working in the same company for 7years. Is there a connection?
Maybe I do know what is wrong, yet I'm brushing it off again. Maybe a few sector concern Jo, she has been telling me this and that, well I know she's just protecting these younglings. But has she take my feelings into consideration before? I somehow hate church, hate going to church. I don hate the church on the whole, I just hate all these people in the church. Why are they making themselves sound so "holy". What's the point of serving in church in the 1st place? Pastor said, all people come with a whole set of different reasons. Be it good of bad, but God will make the reason be in line and there will be an answer. Why am I still asking myself this Question after serving for 1 year? The thought of being a crazy person comes into mind.
If I become a crazy person, I may not be so bothered about what people think of me. I can be in my own world, and say whatever I like, because I am crazy. I do not have to bother about offending anyone for what I've said and I do not have to please anyone, just because I have to. I can laugh as I like, I can cry as I like, but... but... I don't wanna be alone.
What is this logic that friendship takes time, it takes time for people to know you. SO?? Meaning you don't know me, but that doesn't means that I can be myself. I am ME!!! I don't like acting being someone else to please people for someone I am not~~!!! Too bad if you find me too crazy. I'm sick of what people are saying.... I just want all of them to shut up for a minute! Well just a minute LOrd, because.... ... I have no idea too....
I'm craving for twistie, and some cookies, heck it that I'm coughing, and that my mon and dad will nag. I am old enough to know. So why am I still doing it? Didn't You say, that by your strips I am healed. If I am healed, I can fairly eat whatever I like, and I do not have to take any responsibilities. Why am I being so hard on myself? I just wanna finish my assignments and enjoy. Nothing wrong with that rite?
Lord, I just have to focus and do my part in serving you. I am not doing all these to please men. I am but human too, I need care, and concern, and encouragement. Maybe I'm not born to be a leader, I just want to do things that I am instructed. I'm happy with that for now. What is her problem when I say I am not confident about 'catching'? She need to change her tone. And stop being inconsiderate about asking people to throw your dirty tissue paper away. I had enough of that while working, because I am paid. Lord, do not let people over used their authority, just because you said we should submit to our leaders. That is not right!! They should learn how to throw this things away themselves and not ask people to do it for them!!! You ask me to hold things for you can, but what's wrong with you asking me to throw away your used tissue paper that looks like so much germs.... what's up???
And Lord can you tell her to Stop being so protective over the new people. They have to learn. And then You can start changing me maybe first, and teach her to also think of my feelings!!!
I want to eat my twisties now~
