I'm home!!!

It's good to be home!

Finally moved back home on 17th May. And I have 12 bags plus little ones...haha...and mum only had a body shop paper bag of clothing and that's it. :)

Eugene gave me a lift back home 1st with all my "bags" and I treated him Mac Donald lunch for his labor.

Mum was welcomed by her friends the next day morning~

18th May...

Cleaned and wiped the fridge and sourcing for expired stuff. I didn't know my fridge is so dirty and it's so tiring doing housework... but what the heck.. I hope I slim down though. (That's what is most important.)

19th May ...

I'm cooking tonight!!! Have decided to cook prawns and chicken with ginger. Not my dog ginger, but the edible ginger? Haha... Hm.... I didn't know that marketing was a joy. Or was cooking a joy? I think all of them are!! Hehe..

Am cooking pork ribs porridge for mummy now. It's fun to cook and especially if people find them nice. Oh ya.. I was graded 8/10 for a dinner I cooked for my 2nd sister and her family when we are staying at her house some one month ago. Not so bad for a first attempt. :)

Hm.... I think I have become a grace housewife. But I don't really mind. As the Lord and the holy spirit has been my teacher and it has been a joy buying, preparing and cooking. There's just the washing part to tackle though~

Hm.. shall tackle the stove tomorrow. Shall clean it before I start flying again. These are not 101% hard work as yet, maybe because I'm just doing it in a short term for now. I have already declared... The Lord is my strength and I am my mum's. :) And so it shall be~

I do miss my massage session and my facial. I think Gene is feeling that I didn't take time off for him. Whatever lar... I have my mum to take care of and who knows how long more she has. For Gene, I can still spend lotsa time with him in the long run if he's gonna.......... I think he can come over for dinner instead of me going over to yishun, which is so far for me. Well..It is also far for him, shall have to plan for this part.

Oh well... this stone I shall cast it to the lord. No worries.. that's his promise!

Will be cooking for the family tonight and am looking forward to it. And will be bringing a portion to Jeanette and I just saw her this morning when I'm doing marketing (I think I mix into the market culture.) She mentioned that 'Prawns' are Edwin's favourite. So who knows he's praying for it for how long? Haha...

So Abba Jesus, help me cook a nice prawn dish tonight okay? It's for Jeanette and family and also mine~ Thank you Jesus!!!

Root Canal

My tooth died after I had a cycling accident at Pulau Ubin some 2months plus ago. Today I had my root canal done. Though it's painless but I think the hole that's getting in my pocket pains me more.

This doctor gave me a package price of $1050 which I think includes- consultation, X-ray, root canal surgery for 2 teeth, and painkillers. Not so bad I think... quite reasonable price for a private specialist. $1050---price of my neverfull LV bag. Hm...

I just hope the 2 teeth that's next to this 2 dead teeth will be fine. If not... more root canals.... Sian~

Dear Lord, I just hope that you'd provide the cash for me for all my bills~

Thank you Lord..

Hoping to go work soon~

Was back from dinner at Eugene's place. His mom's chicken wings are nice. Yum... Taste like how mum used to cook.

Went home at 11pm because got curfew lor... at age 28... still?

Came home and asked mum if she wanna take some of my cough syrup, because I think it'd helped her sleep better.

Right now, my motto in life is... do what I feel is good and not what is acceptable to other people, because it's so hard to please people, if I please them, I know they'd expect more and I will feel sad again because it's not what I wanna do in the first place.

But then again, the bible says something like we should love our neighbour even though if we don't feel like it...something on that line. Because it's easy to do something which we are willing and to do something which we are not willing is difficult. Hm... still tackling that.

Read about Shin Na's story in the papers today. And explained it in mandrain to mummy. To tell her she's not the only cancer patient in Singapore. And also explained to her that there's this 45 years old lady who is diagnosed with last stage breast cancer and she is living her life to the fullest by doing the things she loved, like dancing. When I shared that with mum, she said, at least she still got strength to dance but me? I don't even have the strength to walk around. I think she missed the early morning walk in Portsdown with the aunties. The plucking of wild flowers and the wild edible fruits. Somehow I missed that too...

Moving here to Bishan....
Eugene was happy that I moved here away from the unhappy place. But somehow in me, I do not feel the ultimate peace in my heart that this is the "freedom" place. Thinking about it, I think I have more freedom back in the old home besides the constants nagging as compared to here.

Life has changed ever since mum is diagnosed with terminal cancer. Everyone's life has changed, not just for me...said Eugene. To focus on other people first then.. me. Is kinda hard. Because... I will start wondering..what about me? If people wants me to think of their feelings, then can someone think of mine too? I know it's just not all about me me me... But will you be happy if someone keep saying that you are dumb? Is that a better word than stoopid? Why won't my nieces show respect to me? Because my sisters didn't teach them about respect? Becasue they themselves talk in that manner, so of cos the daughters will learn from their mothers.

Lord.. I want to learn from you and not from my earthly parents or sisters. Because what they are teaching is laws and more laws. The untruths. I want to follow your truths and you said you will give me rest and quality sleep. So give me that so I will not wake up in the middle of the night to check if there are cockroaches crawling into our room. I don't wanna freak out as and when again. I want all these dirty little pests out of this house!! In Jesus Name!!! And also the sickness and pain and cancer that is depriving my mum of her joy!!!!

I felt constrain, stress, unhappy.

I want to be happy again. And that's what Eugene wished too.

I was lamenting. Scolding GOD, in the toilet and under my blankets. ('Cause these are the only 2 places where people can't see me and say that I am crazy again.)

I know I am demanding. But have anyone thought of how I felt before they keep insisting that I put myself in their shoes? Eugene said I am selfish. So I proudly declare I am one. But God still loves me. But if GOD loves me so much, he will not want me and will change me to be not selfish. But how come these people don't get it that for things to change, they need time.

Eugene said I'm just giving myself excuses, whatever~ Yes.. they are my closest kin and they will want me to be a better person. But do I not want myself to also be a better person? This is so straining. Why can't they just stop forcing me to be this perfect person whom they want me to be?

I felt so confined to this place on weekdays when I was free to go anywhere I want and like last time. But now, I can't so I obliged. But given any maids or anyone. They need off days too. And that include me. I said I will be going to church this Sunday. And 2nd sis says:" So you going out the whole day again?" in a not so nice tone. I wonder why I was needed at home all day.

Spending time with mum is good. But quality is better than quantity you know? So what if I'm at home whole day. She'd still be sleeping and me? Online if not do what?

I have my life too. I have my friends. I was not allowed to go out late too often last time, given that I was already in my mid 20s. And now? Because of my mum, I had to sacrifice my relationship too? And indeed I will not get married and no one wants me.

2nd sis sent me an sms- "I'm not nagging, but to remind you to spend more time with mum, see to her needs when we're not around, sleep early and gets up when she's up. You should look after her and not the other way around. Time to grow up and be independent. When she's not around and you look back you can proudly say you've looked after her well in her final days. It'll be a good feeling and you won't regret! Just like how we've looked after Steve's dad."

I know the whole context of this msg. But question is... have I not spent more time with mum? How much more is more? I have my life, she has her family life, and 1st sis have her life too. So I have to put myself in their shoe.

Sleep early and gets up when my mum gets up and see to her need. I really have no idea why my mum gets up so early for what. She has been a morning person. After my flight, I just need my sleep, my rest. waking up at 9am is already considered early for me. What more they want?

Have I not see to her need? For now she still can bathe herself and she is ever so stubborn that she insist she don't need help from any of us. So..fine. No point nagging and shouting. If she's like that, I'd just leave her alone. It's not I'm not concerning. But why can't they understand? She's coughing, I ask her, shall I take some cough syrup for you? She said...don wan don wan! Fine. I did my part.

I felt like vomiting after staring at the screen for like 2hrs.. i think i feel sick.

But shall finish this.

Grow up? I was not given a chance. Have I not? Physically I have. And I am grown up just that they just kept seeing the little kid in me.

Why do I have to proudly declare I have taken care of my mum? Who do I have to declare it to? Who do I have to show? Isn't it our duty to take care of her? Have I not done so? So who do we need and have to tell or show we have taken care of her in her final days. As long she knew I knew and God knows. It's good enough for now.

To her needs... she's just ever so naggy and insisting I do things their way and at their timing. Yes! She's a cancer patient. But I know what I am doing and I like to do it in my own timing. Can all these people get off my backs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's all taken care of. If I don't get the chance to try and learn, how the hell I am able to grow up???

I'm really feeling sick staring at this tiny screen. Shall continue again when I take my rest~

:) Self-encouragement..... It's ok Yuki... Jesus is always around. See no fogging and no cockroaches today~ :)

I learn...

A normal weekday routine will be getting up at 9am plus. Take my breakfast. Wait for lunch time, and Sera(my niece) to be back. Before that, packed lunch for her and it's a rule to have food before on the table for her before she's back. Lunch for mum too, then medicine. Then mum will rest. Sera will take her nap till 3.45pm and I'd be maybe taking my nap too.

On a non-normal weekday routine, (where I was allowed to cook for the family. Yes I know how to cook, just that I was not given a chance to prove I can.) I will be getting up at the same time, go marketing, buy lunch for both mum and Sera and wait for her to be back. After lunch, wash the dishes, she and mum take their naps. I take in the clothes and iron them (didn't mention this in the above paragraph). Rest awhile, prepare and cut the veges and meat that are to be cooked later. (That's when I have my ME time~) By 3.45pm, wake Sera up, and by 5pm start cooking. And mum will bath herself, while I clean up after cooking, because that's one of the rules too.

When the dishes are done, I need to mop the oily floor and if I can, use the magic cleaner to clean the living room and bedrooms. Look at me, I'm 28, single and have never done housework. I think I have began to feel and look like a housewife now. All of a sudden I miss flying.

A day passes just like that. So I can imagine how tiring it is to be a housewife. And there's tones of housework to be done... ALL day long~

I thought I was free.

Had moved to my 2nd sis's place, so that mum will have some peace and will be able to rest well.

It was quite a sudden decision to move out of my childhood place. That day, I declared I was "FREE" when I step out of that door. All the shoutings and quarrels no more!!!

Me and mum was actually... erm... chased out of the house by the evil old man aka. my dad. His old and kept wishing he is senile. But too bad, he's not. He has been like this ever since so long ago. There are times when I don't think he's even concern for me, but just so afraid that I don't give him allowance. Anyway, I don't need that anymore.

In a way, it's also good, as it's hard to get my mum out of this unhappy place. It started with a quarrel between old man and my 1st sister. Then old man started throwing all that he had bought on the floor, breaking them.... (to scare us.) He's always threatening, hope that we will be fearful of him and we will listen to him. Will not forget he hit mum and blame her just because he needed money. To me, I think he didn't really 100% have been a good husband and good dad. All he wants, was money. He was always saying of selling the house and divorce with my mum (which I hope that can happen), but my mum was too soft? And kept asking, where will he stay if we were to sell the place?

Till today, or since we left home like a month ago, I still have this uneasiness that I am ultimately not 100% free at all yet.

Moving to Bishan, is a new place with a new start. But if the old place minus out the noisy nagging from the old man, it'd have been a peaceful and nice place to live in. Mum agreed to that as well.

But moving here means new rules, and more constraint. If not for my mum, I really don't have to go through all this. I want too... so much to meet my mum's need in joy. And not felt like it's a chore to do all this. Imagine, I have been back in SIN for a week. I was back on a Sat. Out relaxing with Eugene on Sunday and looking after my mum from Monday till Friday. (Today)

It's like I've worked a full 5 day week with no holidays and I really look forward to weekends and to go for my facial and massages as and when as I like.

Ok.. I have no idea how long this will take, but this is definately taking a strain in my own life.

The result

So mum was hospitalized. I guess I've been selfish not asking her along to attend my graduation. I was afraid I cannot afford. So I just the tickets myself and I really want her to be there. Just like during my poly graduation. I want to take a photo with her together in my graduation robe which I have been longing to wear. I think this will be one of the regrets.

I only got to know the truth after I'm back from Adelaide. Somehow I don't feel quite alright and wanted to cry and felt quite uneasy when I receive weird sms from my brother-in-law. Asking me when will I be back and when will I be flying off again. I asked him if he needed anything? He said no. That's when I felt something is not right.

When I'm back at the airport, calls started coming in and I was informed of mum's condition. Doctor said she only have weeks or months. But I believe in Christ. Really, a miracle. But... ... She has outlived the weeks and I believe there will be years to come. Because Alex's mum had 6years.

I couldn't stop crying. Was asking around for help. Called my CGL, told her to pray for my mum and she called church for me. They sent a leader and church gave me 2 pastor Mark's CD for mum to listen. She's open to all these just that not ready to accept Christ yet?

I keep thinking if I've not sent her to the hospital that day. I really will NOT forgive myself!!! will live in guilt for the rest of my life~

1st post of 2009

I'm finally back again~ After the last rounds of blogs that were dated so long ago.

Suddenly felt like blogging again. To once again remind myself of God's goodness and I am really not alone.

I have tentatively moved to Bishan to take care of my terminally ill mum. And it's gonna be mother's day this coming Sunday. What mother's day? Everyday can also be mother's day what. Hm...

Thinking back about that day when I was forced to send mum to the hospital, I do still feel a bit bitter. I think I really don't understand old people. They insist they don't want what, because they are afraid they might be a burden to us? Hm... That day, doctor told mum she had to be hospitalize because she lack of blood. She came home told me, and I asked her want me to send her to the hospital? She said no need, she just need to rest. So I just take it that she wants to rest lor. I was suppose to do my nails because in 2 days or so later, I'm going to Adelaide to attend my graduation.

I sms my 2nd sister, and her sms looks angry. She insist I should send mum to the hospital as she may collapse any minute and die? So I think I am really not going to forgive myself. Reading that sms, (I was already at outram park), I reluctantly got up and waited for the return train.

Called mum on cell to inform her to change now, and I am on my way back to fetch her to the hospital. It felt weird, because she was apologizing to me. But she was all dressed and packed her toothbrush and a little towel just incase she's gonna be hospitalize.

She still ask me, taking bus? Kao... I told her take cab lah, I can still afford. So off we went to Alexandra hospital and it was raining heavily.

End of story? They took her blood sample and finally she had to be admitted because they found something else....